I grew up without the love of my mother or father. I had no concept of what love was, only hate. My mom hated me for getting molested(age 4-9) by the man she loved, & splitting up their marriage. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I spent the rest of my childhood being punished for it. Many times I would watch my mom with a knife in my hand & ponder killing her. I tried to tell what was happening to me but no one believed me. I found out when I got older my mom new what he was doing to me. She didn't care, she didn't leave him for that. She just hated me for getting molested. She watched him beat me, punch me, slam my head into tables & walls. He also shot at us, none of that was reason enough to leave him. I don't know for sure why she left. Somehow she felt the need to punish me for having to leave him. I was only nine when she left him. After mom left my step-dad, she told us she had lied to us. He wasn't our real dad, & our names weren't what we were told they were. My older brother began to molest me & my friends. Then he would sometimes set me up to be raped by his friends. I started drinking at age 5, smoking at 16, by 17 I had become a slut & even tried to rape a guy. At 17 I stood up to my mom & was sent to foster care. Went to 2 bad places, they were still better than home. Then my foster mom, at first I didn't know how to respond to her for the first time in my life I was shone a mothers love. It felt strange to me, & took time to get use to it. At age 18 I started doing drugs & was drunk from morning till night. I had my oldest son at age 19. I was so young, I thought I was ready. Then when I went into labor, it hit me, this baby would completely depend on me. I was so scared I would make a mistake & ruin his life. When I held him all I could feel was love. Love like I never knew before. I loved him more than I had ever loved or been loved. I feel that way about all of my kids.
My husband raped me for 3 yrs, as well as verbal abuse. Then he got violent, when my son saw it I knew I had to leave. He was so upset & crying so hard, I never wanted him to feel that way again. Over the yrs many other guys have raped & abused me. My family had helped my abusive ex-husband get custody of my 2 boys. They spread lies & rumors about me. I had gotten engaged & was helping him raise his kids. I was on my way to fighting to get my boys back, when my health got so bad I lost my job. I found out he got another women pregnant, & slept with my friend. About 2 weeks later a good friend died. After he died his girlfriend wanted me to move in & help her, so I did. About a month later our closest friend died. She flipped & kicked me out. I was on the streets; there was a waiting list at the homeless shelter. I had nothing & nobody left. I prayed for death to come.
Within a week I got raped. I found out I had gotten pregnant from the rape & finally got a room in the homeless shelter. I was so emotional, but I knew my baby needed me to get through it all. I tried to call about putting the baby up for adoption. I couldn't make the call, every time I tried I would cry so hard. I finally decided I wanted to keep my baby. She made it easier to get past the rape. I got a beautiful baby girl from what happened to me. She is sweet, loving, & beautiful. What I went through was nothing compared to the joy my little girl has brought to my life. God had given me a reason to keep going. My little girl is my miracle baby. I love her so much, & I have seen lives changed by her life. She is 2 1/2 & 3'4" tall, a very tall baby. Everyone who meets her loves her, & of course she is adorable. I have a friend (who's only child is from rape as well) she has adopted us, I call her mom & she is a grandma to Alice.