I asked this young woman to share her story so that we can change the mindset of rape conception. She does not want to share her sotry openly for the same reasons many others keep silent. I am grateful that "M" is sharing her honest testimony.
My childhood wasn't "good" as I guess some people would put it. After the death of a close family member, my mother turned to prescription drugs and my father hid in his work, leaving me and my sister open for the emotional abuse from a woman who had lost complete control of herself. The abuse went on for years, turning me away from God and renouncing His existence. Both me and my sister attempted suicide to no avail, so it was no surprise that the day I turned 18, I was always on the move.
Then, I finally turned the big two -one. I was finally old enough to go into a bar. My emotional issues from my childhood were still in tact, leaving me vulnerable to risqué behavior, drugs, and alcohol, although, I wasn't addicted until after the incident happened. It was summer and I was having so much fun. I started a new job, moved in with close friends, met new friend, things were great! It was my new friend that introduced me to the sports bar. I was never into sports, but I loved the social atmosphere, and I loved the attention I got from the boys!
That is where I met him. He was an attractive, charming, sweet, older, musician, bad boy. The boy your parents tell you to stay away from, but that only makes them more attractive. I was taken at the time though, and, when asked that question by him, I reluctantly coughed up a "yeah. I'm taken." Of course, this was in the midst of a failing relationship filled with problems that ended up leading to the relationships end. That first night, I went home.
The next night, I was back at the bar. He bought me a beer, that I drank half of, and me and my new friend from work drove over to the musician’s house. He mixed a drink for me, that I can't honestly say I remember drinking. I didn’t drink enough to get drunk, but I know I must've been since I remember feeling drunk. At some point I ended up in his room with a bunch of other people, doing cocaine, my first time. Slowly they started filtering out, and the next thing I remember he was on top of me pulling my pants down. I fought him and pulled them back up, telling him no, and that I was taken. I remember I was laughing. I thought this was a joke.
I can't really tell you what happened. I can't tell you how it happened. I can't tell you when. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning, half naked, next to him, snoring. I was freezing and felt so guilty. I couldn't believe what I had done. I barely knew this guy! And now I cheated on my bf! I couldn't believe it. I felt dirty, violated, guilty, disgusting, and everything in between.
That was the start of it. That was the start of being victimized. The start of a drinking problem and a drug addiction. He did this to me almost daily for almost 2 months. I couldn't get away. He knew where I lived. He knew where I worked. He knew where to find me when I wasn't home. Once, he forced himself on me at a park, while 2 men not far away on their porch watched! With every time, I lost more of myself to drinking and drugs, and I stopped fighting. I gave up. I tried to convince myself that I was using him. The thoughts of suicide started up again, and I tried to kill myself.
Then, one day, I had a dream that I was pregnant and I just knew it. I can't explain it any other way. I just knew I was pregnant. Less than 2 weeks into my pregnancy, i could no longer drink or smoke or do any type of drug without getting sick. I still denied it though, brushing it off as I did too much and needed a break, which I took. Months later, a friend convinced me to take a test and there it was... positive. I didn't cry. I didn’t panic. I didn’t get angry. I felt literally nothing. I felt empty.
Pregnancy was a nightmare. Honestly, the pregnancy couldn't have been easier physically. No complications. No problems. Funny cravings. Normal. But, the emotional turmoil of having this... thing... growing inside me. This child from that monster. I couldn’t take it. I thought about abortion. I thought about adoption. Honestly, I'm still not sure why I didn't go those routes.
I ended up moving home for most of my pregnancy. My mother had long since recovered from her addiction, and I forgave both my parents. Since then they've been so great and supportive! They were so excited for the baby, and couldn't understand why the ultrasound made me sick, why I wasn’t happy to hear the heartbeat, and I never told them what happened.
Finally, that day came for.... it.... to come out.
They handed her to me. This messy little creature, so calm and gentle. So tiny. How could I hate her? But, I did. I hated her. She looked exactly like him. All those memories came rushing back every time I looked into her little eyes. What kind of mother can hate their own child?
Over the first month, my mother helped me a lot raising my new baby. I never had thoughts of killing her, but I hated her and I hated myself for hating her. Finally, one day, she wouldn't leave me, so we spent hours cuddling, and that is when it hit me. I don't hate her. I love her. I hate how she came into this world. I hate her father. But, I love this little girl more than life itself, and I can't blame or punish her for his sin. I can’t cut myself off from connecting with her because of one mans selfish desires.
It's been a few years now, and I won't lie... It can be difficult! There are days when I am ready to pull my hair out! (Although that could be the age!) With time, it does get easier though. I don't see him in her at all. She doesn't remind me of him. She reminds me of how blessed I am for what I do have. She makes me strive to be a better person. Because of her I ended up in college. I found life.
I don't know if this was God's doing, but I think it was. Had I not gotten pregnant, I would be dead. I would've been victimized until I finally died from my self destructive habits. I wouldn't have ever broken free of him. It amazes me to this day I could drop a cocaine and alcohol addiction in not even a day, with absolutely NO effects. Not even morning sickness! If this isn't the work of God, I don't know what is, but I choose to thank Him every single day for giving me life, and I thank my daughter for bringing me hope and teaching me what real love is.
I am so glad that "M" shared her true feelings. Feelings come from ideas we have but can easily change when those ideas change. The fact that a woman can separate an innocent baby from the horrible act of violence is shown here. And if a woman is unable adoption is always a perfect option without guilt.